My ‘Difficult’ Life

My wife and I just got our third child. In her first eighteen (18) days, I went back and forth to the hospital in fourteen (14) of those days. Two (2) of those days that I had to commute to hospital and work, our car broke down. So we had to use Grab.

It’s tiring. Even for me, who is not doing anything. I don’t nurse the baby, I did help to make some warm infant formula when the baby could not latch, but now my wife will do that as well, so that I can sleep through the night and not be sleepy at work.

But even when I’m not sleepy at work, I’m very demotivated. I’ve been doing things that I don’t enjoy for eight years and counting (bar nine months that I did get to do what I wanted, until it was taken away from me).

But I can’t ignore the fact that I’m utterly blessed.

In those days that we could not use our car, I used Grab. That means I have money, both cash and in the bank. That also means I have a phone and internet. That also means I live in a city big enough to have this car-sharing service. But there are people who don’t have cars or motorcycles, who lives in places that might not have very reliable or user-friendly public transports. Who might not have personal phones or not afford mobile data.

I complain about my sleepless nights, about being tired handling the two elder brothers. But there are couples out there who longed for a child, who have tried everything to have what I have. There are people who had children but then lost them in tragedies, deaths or custody battles.

There are so many blessings that I enjoy, often I don’t even realize it’s a blessing.

I’m healthy, and so are my family. Even if we occasionally get sick or warded, it is not prolonged. But there are people who are suffering of illnesses or conditions, bed-ridden, and family members whose life become restricted to take care of their loved ones.

I used to feel tired, traveling back and forth to my parents’ house almost every weekend, spending four to ten hours on the road, but I still have all my four parents. I still have opportunity to serve them. Most don’t.

Sometimes I wished my wife understands me more, but my wife and I still have a healthy relationship. But there are people who have lost their other half forever, or have experienced bitter divorces, or live in abusive relationships.

When I’m stressed, I listen to my favourite music. But there are people who cannot use their hearing, or not privileged enough to listen what they want.

I am shortsighted. I need glasses or contact lens to see sharply. But there are people who cannot use their eyesight. Some born blind, some lost their eyesight after knowing how it is to see.

I’m bothered when my ceiling leaks during extremely heavy rain. But there are people who don’t even have a roof over their head, who had to sleep on boxes at pavements or under the bridge. Some with their kids, and they have to always worry about their next meal, and can’t afford a proper education for their kids to break the cycle.

I don’t enjoy my job. I’ve never been promoted in eight years. But there are people who have applied every job there is, they can’t afford to choose what they like, because they’ve been jobless for years. There are people who works six or seven days a week, ten to twelve to even sixteen hours a day, who cannot even apply leaves to attend important family events like weddings or funerals. There are people who had to be separated from their family, some don’t even get the chance to talk to their other half or their children for years because their employers don’t let them have phones. There are people who are not even paid, working in slavery and abused.

I wish my wife could work again, so she could feel the happiness of earning her own money, the sense of achievement outside of the routine houseworks, so she could have a social circle outside of her family and school friends. But there are people who wished they could quit their job and stay home, become a fulltime caretaker of their own children.

I’m bad at socializing, at having small conversations. But there are people who longed for small conversations, who are so old or disabled that they are confined at their own homes. There are people who are born deaf and have no one around them who knows sign language, and so never had any conversation in their life.

I’m free, I get to do what I want. But there are people who are enslaved, duped to promises of a better life, then their movements are cut off by their ’employers’ by withholding their documents, or prevent them access to transportation. Some even born in slavery. Some imprisoned, some rightfully, but many aren’t, some never had a fair trial, some being convicted of ‘crimes’ that are not even crimes, some just arrested without reason.

My family is free as well. But there are people who are being kidnapped and never saw their family again. Many are kids, who will never see their parents again, who might wonder if their parents still love them because their parents never rescued them, despite their parents trying their best but to no avail.

Many are free in the sense they are not enslaved or imprisoned or disabled, but they are disabled due to their poverty or their lack of education. They can’t get good paying jobs because they were not privileged enough to further their studies, or get discriminated when they applied jobs. They used to have big dreams but many don’t anymore, setting their bar low, just to eat another day.

I can’t deny that I’m utterly blessed.

But I also feel utterly guilty that I have done nothing to improve other people’s lives.

Democracy: Choose Wisely

The last election, I was already eligible to vote, but I didn’t know who to vote, because I said both are corrupted, voting either side will not make any change for the betterment of my life.

Now I look back and notice, that is called ignorance. There are so many things I should be more aware of in terms of politics. I hate politics by nature, but I also learned to accept the fact that one cannot escape from politics. Politics affect our life.

Thankfully, our beloved country Malaysia practices democracy that we have a choice of who to vote. North Korea’s official name is the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, which means it is actually a democratic country, but their people hardly go to elections because it’s not possible to form an opposition party. Anyone can form the opposition party there, but there’s also a good likelihood that you’ll be convicted of some crime – probably sedition or treason – and spend the winter sleeping on cold hard concrete floor.

But our Malaysia is not practicing the truest form of democracy. According to the London-based Economist Intelligence Unit, Malaysia is categorized as ‘flawed democracy’, ranked 64th in their Democracy Index, worse than Timor Leste, Indonesia or Thailand. I have a lengthy opinion on this, but later on that. (Not sure if I can spill my thoughts before the election, not sure if I can be disciplined enough to write consistently, we’ll see.)

But let’s say our democracy is perfect (I always use the word ‘our’ because I imply that my readers are Malaysians, but if you’re not, then imagine yourself a Malaysian, which I would very much welcome you), let’s assume the elections are perfectly clean and fair, everyone comes down to cast their votes, the judiciary system is independent, the freedom of speech is fully respected. Next question is, how will the elected government look like?

Democracy is just like Akademi Fantasia (if you’re familiar with this popular Malaysian reality show) or American Idol or any reality show that gives the full power of choice to their viewers. The winner is not necessarily the best singer (or comedian or cook or whatever the reality show is about) but he/she certainly is the most popular. There is no measurement of how good a singer is – it’s subjective. A good singer is not merely judged by the voice, but also appearance, showmanship, selection of songs suitable to his voice, ability to play instruments, charisma, charm to media and list goes on. Depending on what the viewers want, the results will differ. If all viewers who voted for the reality show are males, it is very likely the winner will be a female.

Same as choosing a political party. There are so many criteria to measure the competency of the party running the country. Which party can ensure harmony, unity, peace, stability, transparency, equality, justice and fairness, low crimes to the country while being ethical, virtuous, clean, down to earth? Democracy will only grant the people what the majority wants, even if the majority might not choose the best.

For example, I have a huge problem with racial discrimination in my country. Racial discrimination is not just legal, it is embedded in the Federal Constitution. But if the majority of Malaysian voters are racist, it would be a good tactic for competing parties to use that racism to their advantage. Whoever that openly opposes racism are less likely to win. It is noticeable that neither of both sides have ever mentioned in their manifesto or anywhere else – even informally – that if they win two-thirds majority in Parliament, they will try to amend the Federal Constitution to remove any form or racial preference or unequal rights. It is because, even if all non-Bumiputeras would vote them, there’s a possibility that all Bumiputeras would not vote them, they would still lose. Therefore, rather than, “Let’s fight for equal rights for Bumiputeras and non-Bumis,” it would be safer to say, “We care for the welfare of Bumiputeras and also non-Bumis.”

Another example, you know Pareto principle? Say, there’s this country where the 20% of the population – the elite – enjoys 80% of the country’s wealth, while the remaining 80% of the population only enjoys 20% of the country’s wealth. If a party promised them subsidies and all sorts of tax cuts to these 80%-class people, and these people believed those promises would be beneficial to them and vote for that party, that party could win, even if it might not be in the best interest of the country’s economics.

That is how democracy works. Everyone has equal voice. One cannot say, “I have a degree, I am more educated, I should be able to cast more votes than those drug addicts or illegal street racers.” My point is, democracy, even at its finest, is only as good as the people casting the votes.

So do choose wisely. Know what we want, and then we’ll know who to vote. I used to say, “I vote for this party or that party, what difference does it make?” I was wrong, there is a difference I can make. I just need to see the difference in them.