My ‘Difficult’ Life

My wife and I just got our third child. In her first eighteen (18) days, I went back and forth to the hospital in fourteen (14) of those days. Two (2) of those days that I had to commute to hospital and work, our car broke down. So we had to use Grab.

It’s tiring. Even for me, who is not doing anything. I don’t nurse the baby, I did help to make some warm infant formula when the baby could not latch, but now my wife will do that as well, so that I can sleep through the night and not be sleepy at work.

But even when I’m not sleepy at work, I’m very demotivated. I’ve been doing things that I don’t enjoy for eight years and counting (bar nine months that I did get to do what I wanted, until it was taken away from me).

But I can’t ignore the fact that I’m utterly blessed.

In those days that we could not use our car, I used Grab. That means I have money, both cash and in the bank. That also means I have a phone and internet. That also means I live in a city big enough to have this car-sharing service. But there are people who don’t have cars or motorcycles, who lives in places that might not have very reliable or user-friendly public transports. Who might not have personal phones or not afford mobile data.

I complain about my sleepless nights, about being tired handling the two elder brothers. But there are couples out there who longed for a child, who have tried everything to have what I have. There are people who had children but then lost them in tragedies, deaths or custody battles.

There are so many blessings that I enjoy, often I don’t even realize it’s a blessing.

I’m healthy, and so are my family. Even if we occasionally get sick or warded, it is not prolonged. But there are people who are suffering of illnesses or conditions, bed-ridden, and family members whose life become restricted to take care of their loved ones.

I used to feel tired, traveling back and forth to my parents’ house almost every weekend, spending four to ten hours on the road, but I still have all my four parents. I still have opportunity to serve them. Most don’t.

Sometimes I wished my wife understands me more, but my wife and I still have a healthy relationship. But there are people who have lost their other half forever, or have experienced bitter divorces, or live in abusive relationships.

When I’m stressed, I listen to my favourite music. But there are people who cannot use their hearing, or not privileged enough to listen what they want.

I am shortsighted. I need glasses or contact lens to see sharply. But there are people who cannot use their eyesight. Some born blind, some lost their eyesight after knowing how it is to see.

I’m bothered when my ceiling leaks during extremely heavy rain. But there are people who don’t even have a roof over their head, who had to sleep on boxes at pavements or under the bridge. Some with their kids, and they have to always worry about their next meal, and can’t afford a proper education for their kids to break the cycle.

I don’t enjoy my job. I’ve never been promoted in eight years. But there are people who have applied every job there is, they can’t afford to choose what they like, because they’ve been jobless for years. There are people who works six or seven days a week, ten to twelve to even sixteen hours a day, who cannot even apply leaves to attend important family events like weddings or funerals. There are people who had to be separated from their family, some don’t even get the chance to talk to their other half or their children for years because their employers don’t let them have phones. There are people who are not even paid, working in slavery and abused.

I wish my wife could work again, so she could feel the happiness of earning her own money, the sense of achievement outside of the routine houseworks, so she could have a social circle outside of her family and school friends. But there are people who wished they could quit their job and stay home, become a fulltime caretaker of their own children.

I’m bad at socializing, at having small conversations. But there are people who longed for small conversations, who are so old or disabled that they are confined at their own homes. There are people who are born deaf and have no one around them who knows sign language, and so never had any conversation in their life.

I’m free, I get to do what I want. But there are people who are enslaved, duped to promises of a better life, then their movements are cut off by their ’employers’ by withholding their documents, or prevent them access to transportation. Some even born in slavery. Some imprisoned, some rightfully, but many aren’t, some never had a fair trial, some being convicted of ‘crimes’ that are not even crimes, some just arrested without reason.

My family is free as well. But there are people who are being kidnapped and never saw their family again. Many are kids, who will never see their parents again, who might wonder if their parents still love them because their parents never rescued them, despite their parents trying their best but to no avail.

Many are free in the sense they are not enslaved or imprisoned or disabled, but they are disabled due to their poverty or their lack of education. They can’t get good paying jobs because they were not privileged enough to further their studies, or get discriminated when they applied jobs. They used to have big dreams but many don’t anymore, setting their bar low, just to eat another day.

I can’t deny that I’m utterly blessed.

But I also feel utterly guilty that I have done nothing to improve other people’s lives.

Child Marriage: Was an MP misquoted?

Parliament debated.

The media wrote headlines and news articles about it. Some simply believed what they read.

Some countered that the media wrote misleading headlines. It went viral. Some simply believed what they read.

So I had to watch it for myself, the original source, the video of the parliament debate, 4 April 2017, afternoon session.

Kulai MP Teo Nie Ching’s presentation on proposal to ban child marriage (13 minutes) and Tasek Gelugor MP Shabudin Yahaya starts (22 minutes 44 seconds).

The headline that was said to be misleading was from ‘The Star’ with the headline ‘MP: Okay for rapists to marry victims, even some 9-year-olds can marry’. Below are the transcripts:

Tasek Gelugor: Dan dia sudah mencapai akil baligh daripada umur 9 dan dia umur 12 tahun dengan keadaan tubuh badan yang sama seperti umur 18 tahun. Maknanya dari segi fizikal dan juga dari segi spiritualnya juga tidak menjadi satu halangan untuk dia berkahwin.

Tasek Gelugor: Yang paling penting ialah bila melalui satu proses keinsafan, ya, proses mereka bertaubat. Orang berzina orang rogol ni tetap kesalahan jenayah. Tetapi mereka ini, mereka, mereka mempunyai satu peluang, mungkin dengan sebab perkahwinan itulah mereka dapat melalui satu kehidupan lain yang lebih sihat, yang lebih baik. Dan seorang isteri yang dirogol tadi, ya, kalau dia dapat berkahwin, dia tidak akan, dia tidak akan melalui satu jalan kehidupan masa depan yang gelap. Sekurang-kurangnya dia ada, ya, sekurang-kurangnya dia ada suami dia, ada orang yang boleh, boleh menjadi suami dia, itu adalah satu remedy kepada masalah-masalah sosial yang berlaku dalam masyarakat kita.

So is the headline misleading after all? Judge for yourself. If you think I cherry-picked the above quotes, the full video is available. Just click any of the links I shared above (all refer to the same video, only at different intervals).

To summarize what Kulai MP Teo Nie Ching said (which unfortunately deserves more coverage than what Tasek Gelugor MP Shabudin Yahaya said), under Malaysian law, children are not considered old or mature enough to think for themselves to drive, or to smoke, or to drink, or to vote. Then why they can marry? She told a harrowing story of a 12-year old girl, victim of sexual molestation by three men, made a police report, then her parents was pressured by one of the perpetrator’s parents to withdraw the report and marry them. They divorced just short of their first anniversary. God knows how she’s doing now. Then she, the MP, plead to the Dewan, not in her capacity as an opposition or as a non-Muslim, but in her capacity as a mom.

True, child marriage and sexual crimes are different issues. So even if one only focuses on child marriage, how can child marriage under 16 years old be allowed (child marriage under 16 years old are prohibited by Malaysian civil law, but Shariah courts can approve specific cases, which turns out to be thousands) to marry, when sex with a child under 16 years old is considered statutory rape?

If they are married, they will have sex. Even if the husband is kind and vows to restrain himself from having sex until she is older (another question, when is old enough?) he will not commit any crime under Malaysian law for him to have sex with his underage wife. The husband will not be able to hold his paedophiliac desires.

Our medical advancement has proved that even if a girl has menstrual cycle, which means biologically she can be pregnant, that doesn’t mean it is healthy for her to be pregnant at such a young age. But the most important thing is her well-being and education. Children that age should be going to primary or secondary school, be cared and loved by their parents or guardians, and fulfil their potential. Underage wives are likely not to continue school, let alone reaching their dreams. They might also be abused, considering they are only kids and already without parents or guardians protection.

But what do we care? We live a privileged life, they the MPs live a privileged life. We and they are likely not to have daughters that will be married off at such young age.

These underage wives, some might be washing dishes or nursing their newborn babies right now as their friends are at school, they don’t know what was debated in the parliament. They don’t know that if this tabling becomes a law, it might prevent other children from having the same fate as them.

And by the way, our prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) did not marry an underage girl. That is a lie that millions have believed and made child marriage legal.

Footnote: 24,393 people voted for Shabudin Yahaya on 5 May 2013, giving him his Tasek Gelugor parliamentary seat.